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I feel so much shame at my thoughts. Questions had plowed through my mind as I desperately clung to my father, his blood all over me. How could he do this to me? How could he leave me? Guilt, and shame from the moment still descend on me like a dark cloud. He was here, alive, and the doctors told me he would do just fine. He was going to be well, and survive this awful tragedy. But he had looked into my eyes, I am sure that he saw my selfish thoughts. He could always see through me. When had it all become about me? At what point had I turned inward and lost my focus? How could I be so selfish? The bullets, two of them, had been removed successfully. The doctor had stood over me while I sat in the ER, talking. My vision shimmered at the edges, and my head felt like a helium filled balloon on a string. His voice seemed to echo in my thoughts, as if on a delay. His words left impressions as the emotional storm raging inside of me tried to drown out reality. They were a low. "I told you Honey the guards know what's going on and close their eyes to it. If you start making trouble for them and the bosses, you are the one who will be in trouble. The guards can't protect you twenty four hours a day even if they wanted to, which they don't. The bosses will see that you meet with an accident that could still be with you after you get out, if you are alive to get out. Honey this is not a church social you are going to. You just got to go along and keep your mouth shut" Jeannie was afraid to hear more so she tried to change the subject but found she had little in common with Tee. Fortunately lunch was served in a little while so there was a change of pace if not a change in menu. It was a baloney sandwich on white bread with a cup of coffee. Tee and Jeannie sat on their bunks and ate lunch after which Jeannie put her tray on the floor and lay down on her bunk. She had already completed her first day, however thinking back over it depressed her greatly..
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